OK! I've seen the future

The spirit guide behind the gossipAt risk of sounding like one of those Guardian hacks who failed Julian Assange's mysterious but foolproof Masculinity Test, Lost in Showbiz believes Britain's greatest journalism lies in its celebrity gossip magazines. It thrills to the fearlessly provocative op ed column by Kerry Katona beneath the strapline Telling It Like It Is ? And Then Some!: "I've been asked what I think of Katie Price's daughter getting burnt in a sauna," she writes. "I'm not commenting on that." Reeling from the two-fisted assault that is Kerry Katona Telling It Like It Is, Lost in Showbiz can only gawp at the attention-grabbing headlines. Its favourite this year was Hello! magazine's imperious A WEDDING DRESS FOR KATE? It liked the way the question implied she might walk down the aisle in something other than a wedding dress, as if she might rock up at Westminster Abbey in a Hawaiian shirt or a Doncaster Rovers away strip.But this week it faced a challenge from OK! magazine, whose cover has a photo of Cheryl Cole and her mysterious "close friend" Derek Hough beneath the headline: SHOCK PREDICTION! DEREK: "I FEAR CHERYL WILL GO BACK TO ASHLEY." Closer investigation reveals that it is not Derek Hough making the prediction, but Lost in Showbiz's favourite celebrity psychic, Derek Acorah. He's acting on a hot tip from his Ethiopian spirit guide Sam, who recently predicted William and Kate will be "like Anthony And Cleopatra", which as far as Lost in Showbiz can gather means she'll fake her own suicide, causing first one of his aides to kill himself, then him to do the same, before killing herself: way to harsh the whole Royal Wedding's mellow, Captain Bringdown! Having offed half the royal family, he's now suggesting Cheryl and Ashley will reunite: "I guarantee ? and I've checked with Sam ? they'll get together and have a child," he says, noting that he predicted they would have one last year, but drawing a veil over his prediction two months ago that Cheryl would meet another man. Lost in Showbiz professes to bafflement, but perhaps that's the world of the paranormal for you. If only straight-talking Kerry Katona was here to Tell It Like It Is.CelebrityCheryl ColeMagazinesNewspapers & magazinesAlexis Petridisguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2011 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More FeedsTom Cruise Adam Sandler George Clooney Stephenie Meyer Cameron Diaz